If you are anything like me, you get bothered by dumb things and tell people about it all the time. Here is something new that I feel the need to share with everyone.

I have been into Chinese food for a long time. It was always a big deal to go out to the local restaurant and get a big pile of food and share it with the whole family. One of the best parts of getting Chinese food is of course, the cookies, and reading your fortune out to everyone. As far as the fortunes go, I have always been superstitious about them. A recent addition to my fortune cookie superstition is that each person should choose their own cookie. This allows each person the chance to secure the proper fortune. Never hand someone their cookie. It would mean that you were picking the fortune for them. I can’t remember where I picked this habit up, but regardless, it’s a fun one. I also am into hanging onto fortunes, especially if I have them from take out. I am more apt to leave them if I open them in the restaurant. At home I hang on to them until they get thrown out in a big clean up (often by accident).

I have been noticing some odd things about fortune cookies. Like the lucky numbers that I can only imagine are for those who play the lottery. One time Josh, Nick and I were eating Chinese food at a dining hall on campus. We each took turns reading our fortune, Nick read out “10, 12, 15, 27, 30, 32…in bed… I don’t get it.” I think rice almost came out of Josh’s nose he was laughing so hard. You will note that often now the numbers are labeled and are often on the same side as the fortune to prevent them from being confused with real prophetic insight. On the back it is now common to learn short phrases or single words of Chinese. I really don’t see relevance of this type of information. I think it would be better if they told you what the heck the sauce for General Tso’s chicken is made of. Perhaps the back would best be used as one I have shown below where it displays an advertisement for a website. “Please visit us at www.wontonfood.com”.  That seems like a better use of space.
Also what is up with the fortunes being in red now? I think they used to all be black. I have one that is black on one side, and red on the other. Odd stuff. I am a big fan of the ones with smiley faces on them, but aren’t necessarily positive fortunes. I know I am being picky, but really they should have multiple face options for things like this. Get with it wontonfood!
So what am I getting at? My favorite thing about fortunes is the rapid decline in actual fortunes. After all the structural addendums to the fortune it seems that they have reduced the fortune composition budget. I can’t explain it any better than I can explain “This is a really lovely day. Congratulations!” What is that supposed to mean? I have hung on to this fortune for about 10 years. I still have no clue. Is it a compliment for my contribution to today’s loveliness? Perhaps it is more a prompt for me to identify the beauty in each day, in which case, why am I to be commended. Oh man I have thought way too long about this one. I think it is getting worse because my computer shut down while I typed this page up the first time.
Does anyone remember the show Amazing Stories? I think that was the one, either that or the 80’s twilight zones. There was one episode that had a guy that kept going back to a Chinese restaurant. They had fortunes that kept coming true. I don’t remember what the fortunes were saying, but it was things that were beneficial to him, like maybe he read the lottery number side and they were winning numbers or something. Or maybe it said you should wear pleated pants and he ended up getting discovered for a movie. I really don’t remember, and my guesses are getting very strange. In the end he just kept eating and eating and he screams out ‘Why am I still hungry!’ or something like that. When he opens his next fortune, it says ‘YOU’RE DEAD”.  I could be way off. I was like 10 when that was on the air.
Anyhow I would like to compile a set of baffling fortunes, or unfortunes, if you will. So please send me your confusing fortunes. I will put them up on my site. If you want them back I will scan them and send them back to you. Either way, I really want to see the real fortune so I can avoid dealing with people that are creative like me that can do some photoshoping and make a keen digital forgery. So lay it on me and you will be famous! (sorta)

Editor’s note:
I’m going to be putting up some of the older pages that are scattered around soxite.  This is the second story I wrote (estimating it to be somewhere around 2002) for my site.  [original posting].