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“It’s die with a t on the end” – Garfield | Words with Sox

I wrote this sometime prior to 2003.

I am not one to diet. Not for health purposes. I do my usual binging on wings, and Guinness, and then fasting because I don’t feel like getting groceries. Not eating wheat because of a misdiagnosis. I only run when chased, and tend to keep biking to recreational more than for health purposes. I do walk a lot, but only so I don’t have to pay for parking.

Anyhow, I was looking on all these pop up ads telling women that they should try this diet and that diet. I got to thinking this is nuts, people going to check the tv listings online, and they get something making them feel insecure about how they look. “Get off that couch and lose that weight”, or “Meet that special someone on our online dating service”, even one that was an anti herpes ad campaign. I guess that’s for the people that lose weight and find the wrong special someone because they picked the wrong online dating service. Listen I just want to find out if there is anything good on at 2am on Sundays. Get off my back.

Thing is, I got hooked. I think to myself, I just bought a bunch of groceries today. I wonder if there were better things I should have bought. Maybe there are things I would like just as much that would be 10 times better for me. I don’t know much about food, just that I like it when my food is extra tasty (like the steak and cheese with bacon I had today for dinner).

So I go to WebMD and fill out their little form. I put in my current weight and I take a stab and say I could prolly put on lets say 30 pounds. I imagine if I put on the right weight that would be fine. Man would I be beefy then. For those of you that don’t know, I am a pretty skinny fella. I once had a doctor put me in the hospital for 3 days because he thought I must be chronically ill. No doc, I was just a skinny guy with food poisoning (which a specialist pointed out on day 3). The doctor recommended I carry a picture of my father around (another healthy skinny guy) so that mistakes like this don’t happen again. Sure doc, whatever (jerk face).

 

Where was I? Oh yes, so I go to WebMD and put in my info and I get this.

Your current weight lies within the range of normal weights. This corresponds to a Body Mass Index (BMI) of 18.5

Your target weight is 175 pounds. Though your current weight is already within normal limits, your wish to put on weight remains reasonable, because once you reach 175 pounds, your new BMI will be 22.4, still inside the normal range.

We regret, however, that we are not yet able to prescribe a diet plan that makes you put on weight.

As it turns out, I am just not marketable. Thanks a lot WebMD while you have successfully made me feel self conscious about my weight, you have biffed up on step two of your evil plan. Helping me do something about it.

I’ll never get into that bathing suit for summer now. What a bunch of jerks. Time to go dig into the Nutter Butters and buy one get one free Bryer’s ice cream I got at the store today.

Note: Recently I got what I was looking for and my diet consisted of having to drive to work instead of being able to walk. Sigh…

-Me

 

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