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I am not one to diet. Not for health purposes.
I do my usual binging on wings, and Guinness, and then fasting
because I don't feel like getting groceries. Not eating wheat
because of a misdiagnosis. I only run when chased, and tend
to keep biking to recreational more than for health purposes.
I do walk a lot, but only so I don't have to pay for parking.
Anyhow, I was looking on all these pop
up ads telling women that they should try this diet and that
diet. I got to thinking this is nuts, people going to check
the tv listings online, and they get something making them
feel insecure about how they look. "Get off that couch
and lose that weight", or "Meet that special someone
on our online dating service", even one that was an anti
herpes ad campaign. I guess that's for the people that lose
weight and find the wrong special someone because they picked
the wrong online dating service. Listen I just want to find
out if there is anything good on at 2am on Sundays. Get off
my back.
Thing is, I got hooked. I think to myself,
I just bought a bunch of groceries today. I wonder if there
were better things I should have bought. Maybe there are things
I would like just as much that would be 10 times better for
me. I don't know much about food, just that I like it when
my food is extra tasty (like the steak and cheese with bacon
I had today for dinner).
So I go to WebMD and fill out their little
form. I put in my current weight and I take a stab and say
I could prolly put on lets say 30 pounds. I imagine if I put
on the right weight that would be fine. Man would I be beefy
then. For those of you that don't know, I am a pretty skinny
fella. I once had a doctor put me in the hospital for 3 days
because he thought I must be chronically ill. No doc, I was
just a skinny guy with food poisoning (which a specialist
pointed out on day 3). The doctor recommended I carry a picture
of my father around (another healthy skinny guy) so that mistakes
like this don't happen again. Sure doc, whatever
Where was I? Oh yes, so I go to WebMD
and put in my info and I get this.
Your current
weight lies within the range of normal weights. This
corresponds to a Body Mass Index (BMI) of 18.5
Your target weight is 175 pounds.
Though your current weight is already within normal
limits, your wish to put on weight remains reasonable,
because once you reach 175 pounds, your new BMI will
be 22.4, still inside the normal range.
We regret, however, that we are
not yet able to prescribe a diet plan that makes you
put on weight.
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As it turns out, I am just not marketable.
Thanks a lot WebMD while you have successfully made me feel
self conscious about my weight, you have biffed up on step
two of your evil plan. Helping me do something about it.
I'll never get into that bathing suit
for summer now. What a bunch of jerks. Time to go dig into
the Nutter Butters and buy one get one free Bryer's ice cream
I got at the store today. 
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